i had an accident. it wasnt my fault. it just happened!

i was on a straight road ... and this guy was coming out of the junction. he saw me but still pressed on the gas. i tried to avoid and he hit my rear left door. i lost control, swerved and avoided alot of cars and finally found an empty spot and hit a lamp post. i got so pissed i opened up the door and took out my baseball bat ready to bash some heads in ... then i thought again that it is a gangster place. so yeah ... i walked back and put the baseball bat back. i got so pissed!

i couldnt do anything but just wait for sy's friends to come as i did not know what to do. so yeah. practically it is his fault. asshole ... i wont have a car for 1-2 weeks!!

btw, i had a date today with a "special" person. went for dinner with my parents and my dad colleagues. it was going so great! we went to cyberjaya which was simply fantastic!! thank god i didnt get into an accident when she was in the car!! :(

oh well ... life sucks for rick.

i stared at my weapons of choice, figuring out which is sharper than the other. should i be using my regular pen knife, or should i try my paring knife? i asked myself.

thoughts ran through my head ... would it feel as good as it did before? could it heal before i go to bangkok? would anyone find out? has it been 11 months since i did it?

i dropped a few ice cubes into my cup and poured mandarin vodka into it. whilst drinking it slowly, i took out my photo albums, flicking it slowly, reminiscing the past was the hardest thing to do. i hated it as much as i loved it.

whilst doing that, my mind lost track and forgot about cutting myself. i slowly put the knives back into where they belong and started to write this.

im suppose to be studying but here i am, stuck in God knows what state of mind. i just need to fall in love again. really fall in love.

i wish i was dead. i dont care if there are better things that lies ahead of me. i just dont want to go through this whole emotion crap again. it sucks. it sucks. it sucks. it sucks.

rick.

it's been awhile! why yes it has been awhile.

things for me has been going up and down.
1. arab chick gone
2. still thinking about jac
3. valentines is coming
4. my birthday is coming
5. im going to bangkok this weekend
6. i think i might fail my exams this term
7. working part time at starbucks ikano
8. next training to bakerzin

so thats about it. i was going through old pictures on my comp ... this year, last year, last last year, the year before that. all of it is so fucking sad. i'm lost again. i just dont know where to go.

my circle of friends has expended ... really expended. all i need to do now is speak good mandarin and cantonese and im good to go! :P

sometimes i just wished she didnt do it. if she didnt, then how would everything be? i wouldnt know, but questioning the past is stupid. i just wanted her and whatever that came along with her. i keep telling myself, of all the things ive done for her, of all things, i'm stuck the way i'm today. sometimes i just want to burst into tears but afraid someone might be hiding behind the door listening, waiting for me to screw up. yes, i still love you. yes, i still miss you. im sorry what you had to go through.
maybe thats the whole reason why......

it sucks coming home everyday to an empty bed only to be hugging the pillow oh so tightly whilst thinking about you.
no more hugs ...
no more goodnight kisses............
i miss you so fucking badly.
rick.